This is a story about brokenness. This is a story about
redemption. This is a story about the transforming power of the Holy Spirit.
This story is about Resurrection and a new life emerging. This is a story about a
new beginning and living a Kingdom Life now.
I pray that this story touches someone who is facing a
crisis in his or her own life. I pray that someone remembers my lesson when
they face a crisis in the future. The actual crises is immaterial, the pain and
suffering in these times are real and if one person finds comfort in what I am
about to say then my own pain and suffering is justified in my heart and I find
comfort in that.
All of us, whether you are aware of it or not, will hit a
moment in our lives where our decisions, or the decisions of others, leave us
broken. We grow into our lives with that hurt hanging over our heads and
develop patterns of behavior that can be very detrimental to our personal
well-being, not to mention the train wreck we can leave behind. Whatever form
of damage we each develop, it comes with an ingrained behavior that is so
entrenched that we find ourselves in a perpetual cycle of destruction.
Consequences are sometimes not enough to break that cycle and as dramatic as
those sometimes are, some folks continue to live in darkness and misery.
Sometimes we never even realize that there is a better way to live.
Most of my adult life was like that. I have struggled with
substance abuse issues as long as I can remember. Experimentation began as
early as 12 years of age and continued through my early college days. At first
it was all fun and games. I have fond memories of fraternity parties at Auburn
University and the of the summer binges when I had no responsibility. Those
were good times. I will make no bones about that, but as the years moved on I
found it increasingly more difficult to find any success in life. You see, I
was blind to the damage it was causing and eventually I had established those
bad behaviors that continued to haunt me into the later years of my life.
As time progressed I became more aware of how wrong those
behaviors were. I began to suffer consequences. I have been to jail, I have
lost jobs and careers, and I have lost family and important relationships in my
life. I hated how I felt physically. I hated hurting people around me and hated
the way I felt about myself. I always took responsibility for my actions; in
fact, I took the attitude that I would always have this problem and that I had
accepted my role in life. I was a lost cause and that became ingrained into my
thinking as well.
So far this story is very similar to most Alcoholics
Anonymous stories. This is a typical journey most addicts could claim as their
own. This, to the world, was normal and I was destined to be a failure. I had
consigned myself to that walk and had come to believe that I would always be
second best, or worse.
That was when I said a prayer that would change my life. I
prayed that I God make me the kind of man he wanted me to become. Somewhere
deep inside I knew that I had a purpose but had no idea how to make it happen.
That is when my life began to change.
I knew I was deeply troubled. I knew my sins. I wanted a way
out and tried on numerous occasions to make that happen. Somewhere in this mess
I had created, I knew I needed a God that would do for me what I could not do
for myself. I tried and repeatedly I failed. If I was second best and
worthless, what was my motivation? What would make me continue until something
finally took hold?
At the age of 42, I received a gift from God so powerful
that I had no choice but to face this thing head on. This gift was the biggest
risk God had ever done for me and things started to slowly sink in. I suddenly
had a bigger purpose in this world.
I had resigned myself to being fatherless. My wife at the
time was unable to have children medically and I was happy to take her children
from a previous marriage as my own. I enjoyed the role as a stepfather and
learned invaluable lessons. I took the role seriously and was content to live
my life that way. One can only imagine my surprise when I was told that my wife
was pregnant. The doctor was so surprised he asked her, “How did this happen?’
He was an OB/GYN, so I know he meant the improbability of her getting pregnant,
not questioning the act necessary to get her pregnant. But here he was, a
beautiful miracle child named William Keith Smith. I was overwhelmed. I was
going to be a father. I had a new purpose in life and I threw myself into it
with abandon.
I was still suffering from my substance abuse problems and
at the time I did not fully grasp all that the gift meant. That would come
later.
I threw myself into being a parent and gave a big portion of
myself to being a “good daddy”. However,
I was also putting a lot of energy into my sin as well and neglected a big portion
of my life. I ended up losing my family, Will’s mother and my two-step
children. I also came very close to losing my child.
His mother filed for divorce when Will was barely three. If
all things were equal and that was her only reason, then she was justified and
did the right thing. Either way I am grateful for the outcome. There was a key moment during the divorce
where I was having a meeting with my lawyer. In that moment I was given the
option to accept what his mother was offering concerning custody. That custody
arrangement was very limited and I was torn about what to do. I would either
have to trust his mother to give me more time, or I would have to trust the
court to legally give me more time than she was offering. My lawyer looked at
me and said, “Considering the facts and your predicament, most men would accept
this and move on with their lives.”
Deep down inside my soul I began to feel this sensation of a
power and a resolve far greater than I had ever experienced. It occurred to me
that I AM NOT MOST MEN!! In a painfully emotional moment I set my heart to do
whatever it took to fight for my relationship with my child. I was going to
stand for his rights when he was not being given a voice. I was going to be
this boy’s daddy and I give it everything I had.
So I started the journey, having faith that God would make a
way. I went down some strange roads. I had tough times where I went for days
with out food or sleep. I went to hours of counseling and 12 step meetings. I
sank myself into service work but most importantly I turned to my God, my
Higher Power, and with abandon relied on Him for my strength and endurance. I
had to put my complete trust in Him and rely on a miracle in the courtroom. I
was blessed to get a very good custody arrangement and it helped keep William
stable during this crazy time in his life.
All this time I still questioned
if I was going to make it through. I wondered if Will would see the fight I
went through for his sake, but as he grew over the next two years I began to
see that yes he was learning what it meant to trust God and it showed in his
demeanor. He knew his daddy loved him and he loved his daddy. He trusted me and
I watched him gain a confidence in himself that had come from what I was
teaching him. Everyone who knew him understood the impact I was actually having
on his life, even if I did not always see it.
Life seemed to take on a level of
stability I thought I would never see again. I began to plan for an alternative
future with my son that did not include a normal family life. I was making
plans for the next step in our life and things were finally settling down.
Then
on Sunday, March 30th 2014, I received a frantic phone call from his
mother that Will had been in an accident and was not breathing. I was at home
and was told to go to Children’s Emergency and that was all I got. I drove with
abandon, not knowing the extent of the injuries. All I heard was accident and
not breathing. I started calling my friends. I called those people that had
been on the walk with me during my recovery and those who had been beside me
during the divorce. My walk with Will had already touched so many people that
within hours my support started to flood in. I got to the hospital and learned
that what had happened was the worse case scenario. He had been under water for
at least 10 minutes and without a heartbeat for almost an hour. Having a
medical background told me that he was already too far-gone and I realized at
that moment that all I had left was prayer. And pray we did. With in hours the
community had so overwhelmed the hospital that extra staff had to be called in.
So many friends poured in that the staff at Erlanger, a nationally known
regional trauma center, started to making comments like, “I have been here 15
years and I have never seen this kind of support.” Knowing Erlanger had had its
share of traumatic accidents involving children that is a big statement to make.
With in days we had a prayer circle that circumnavigated the world. We had
reports of people in China, South America, Israel, Saudi Arabia, Costa Rica,
South Africa, the Philippines, Canada, Ireland and the UK all praying for my
son. Every state in the US was represented and the story began to spread. I
started to believe in a big miracle, I started to believe in a complete
healing.
On April 5th 2014
William succumbed to his injuries. We spent one more night with him as
Tennessee Donor Services tried to locate recipients for Will’s life saving
organs. On Sunday April 6th, I said my final goodbyes as they rolled
Will to the OR to take my son’s life giving organs, so that someone else would
not have to experience the same loss that I was experiencing. He was known for
being a kid who shared and I know he would of wanted me to do that. As I
watched them roll him out the door I knew my life was never going to be the
same. I suddenly had this urge that I needed to get out of there. I gathered up
all the stuff that had accumulated in that week and headed for the door, I
heard Will’s mom say “Tony.” I turned and saw her face and I knew what she was
thinking because I felt the same way. I asked her, “You do not want to leave do
you.” She said, “NO, this has been the best experience of my life.” She was
right. All the prayers focused on that little room and the Holy Spirit hovering
over this little boy had created a sanctuary for his mommy and his daddy. There
was healing for a lot of people and Will received the ultimate healing. Three
families received the phone calls that their loved ones had a second chance at
life. My church family has pulled together and rededicated their ministry because
of what transpired and I got to live in the presence of my loving Father.
Today as I reflect back on all
that I have experienced, I find comfort in the fact that I know there is a
loving God that searches for us in the darkness. I know that a heavenly Father
has sacrificed his Son; I understand that pain, so that we can have a new lease
on life and have a beacon to look to while we are still in that darkness. I
know that there is a Holy Spirit active in this world that is the power behind
transformation, even when we do not know it is happening. I know this because I
am a witness to it in my own life. I have just faced the worst possible crises
a father may ever have to face and yet I find comfort and a supernatural peace
that I thought I would never experience. I have been given the opportunity to
keep Will’s memory alive by spreading this message of hope to others. I have a
purpose and that purpose is to live life to its fullest and to spread the life
changing story of Jesus Christ to others. My motivation is to offer hope to all
who suffer and to spread the story of love that was taught to us by one 4 year
old boy. A boy that I can proudly call my son.
Thank You For Listening and May
God Bless You and Keep You Always.
Peace
Tony Smith
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