The last several years have been an incredible journey for me. I do not know exactly what God has planned and I am not sure that I really care. All I know is that I am walking on the path that God has laid out for me and I have never in my 47 years of life felt this alive. I have experienced the horror of loosing a child and yet I find myself closer to him than I could have possibly understood before the accident. I have grown closer to God and I am closer to my son now because he rest in God's presence. I contemplate how that can be true and I can only gaze at the wonder of it all. I realize that I have accepted the love that God is offering and after tasting of that "well spring" I do not want to turn back.
The song "Come Thou Font of Every Blessing" is a song that Jim pointed to in the service. He read the following verse to us and then went on to explain it and in that explanation, all the little life moments began to add up into what is becoming a powerful testimony.
"Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by Thy help I've come"
I know this song but I have always overlooked the word Ebenezer. To me it was a reminder of the name that Charles Dickens used in "A Christmas Carol" for Scrooge. I just sang the words in church and never asked what it meant because no one else seemed concerned with its use or the meaning. During the service, Jim offered its meaning and after hearing what it means and looking it up my self, I realize that even in Charles Dickens story that word has special meaning.
The word basically means "commemoration of divine assistance". I found a good example of the word used in Scripture, in I Samuel 7: 12-13.
"Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Jeshanah, and named it Ebenezer; for he said, 'Thus far the Lord has helped us.' So the Philistines were subdued and did not again enter the territory of Israel; for the hand of the Lord was against the Philistines all the days of Samuel"
Jim Lewis, in his message, was referring to the monuments, or markers, in our lives with God that make us who we are moment by moment. Those instants where God breaks through and is clearly acting to shape our lives so that we can accomplish what He has set out to do through us. As I sat there listening I felt around my neck and realized I had a chain that represented my ebeneezer.
Each item represented here is a marker that points to a stage of growth in my life and tells my story of struggle, tragedy, victory and hope. Each item is symbolic of my walk with God and unknowingly each piece represents the accumulation of individual events that has me where I am today. This is my ebeneezer because it paints a picture of God's action in my life and serves as a reminder of those events.
I am going to tell my story by following the markers in my life. I am going to continue to share my life and my son with you. I pray it offers some hope and points to the reminder that life can be beautiful again, even after tragedy.
These dog tags I bought at an Army/Navy surplus store. Will and I stopped in one day and he loved exploring all the cool stuff. He wandered around and I had a time keeping him from running off with a gas mask. I thought it was pretty awesome myself, but I had promised him I would get these tags as a reminder of our connection. Each tag has our name on it and I told him it represented my dedication to him as a father. I wanted to always carry him next to my heart and this was a way that he would always be near me. He seemed to understand and it looked like he puffed up when I said that having him as my son was the best gift I had ever received. I was proud to be his daddy and to me that had become the most important title a man could carry in this life. William was a miracle and I fully understand the gift that he was to the world. He will always hold that place in my heart and even in death, he will always be my "little man" These tags remind me that I cherished every moment I spent with him.
I sat in the lawyer's presence and heard him say say to me. "This may be the best offer of custody that we will get. Most men would accept this and move on with their lives." I had to pause because I knew I would have to fight and to leave the life of a child in the hands of the court leaves all sorts of room for error. I struggled with the decision. Should I trust the woman I had trusted for so many years? Should I trust the mother of Will to eventually give me more time with my son? Was she going to accept my role in his life after the divorce and be fair with sharing his life with me? Something deep inside told me not to trust her but to trust what God was telling me in that moment. I was torn, but that still soft voice spoke up and broke through all the confusion. I was not most men! I was Will's father and I had already decided that he deserved me at my best and I was to fight for the voice he did have. I had made the decision to "MAN-UP" for my son's sake. I had already started to make decisions that would impact Will in a positive manner and I knew that it was up to me to stand my ground for his sake. I decided to trust God in that moment and I refused the offer.
The cross stamped in the coin is a reminder of that decision. It points to the cross and the fact that Jesus was a MAN UP on that cross. He led the way for me and I was going to lead my son on that same path. The walk was difficult, I had to sacrifice myself in the process and face my addictions, but in the end I was victorious and I was rewarded by the court system. This coin is a symbol of victory over my life and the impact it had on my son. About a week after the final decision was made, I took Will on a trip to Fall Creek Falls. It was a father and son outing and he had so much fun. On the way home I was listening to Casting Crowns on CD. The song "Courageous" came on and as I sung the song I heard Will in the backseat ask a question. I turned down the radio and asked to repeat himself. "Daddy," he said, "Am I going to grow up and be courageous like you?" "Yeah," I thought, "God was already working in him." I told him that he was going to be a great man of courage. He smiled, very satisfied.
Before the accident I received this blessing ring from a friend that spoke of New Beginnings. To me at the time it was indicative of my new life with Will and the hope of a better future for both of us. Life would get better again and I would make the best of things with my son. I spent every moment I could with him. I have so many wonderful stories to share that I could write a book and eventually I will. At that moment life was improving. I started making plans that would include my life as a single father. I was going to enjoy all the wonderful moments that a father should share with his son. I was anticipating sporting events, vacations to Disney, studying math and watching him graduate high school. That was not meant to be and he has now joined the ranks of "forever young". It was devastating to so many who knew him.
In the hospital I began to hear all the stories about Will that I had never heard. He had touched so many people that I began to realize just how special he was. I am proud of the boy he became and will always carry that part of him with me. This symbol of new beginning has taken on another meaning. It now represents my new beginning in life. The one without my son in the physical. I was given a gift and I have the responsibility to share that gift with others. That gift is the powerful message William Smith represents. It is the unconditional love of God for others and the amazing story of transformation of my life.
This past two weeks has turned out to be the best two weeks in my life. My focus for ministry has started taking shape. I was accepted at Asbury Seminary and am pursuing a Masters Degree in Divinity. I have recently been reunited with a very special person from my past and her story is just as wonderfully tragic as mine. It is a different story and I think she may have faced a worse situation, but she is turning out to be an inspiration as well. One day that story will be told and I bet it will encourage you like it has me.
I got to share Will's story in a remote area in Haiti and my cousin from Dallas shared this story in Nicaragua. Now Will's story of tragedy, healing and hope is spreading around the world and I get to be a part of that.
I get the honor of being with my son everywhere I go and I feel closer to him sometimes than I did when he was still breathing. He is very much alive in the hearts of so many and will continue to be so. That has become my job as his father. I am still preparing him for service and I have taken that to heart.
The bands on these arms are arm bands that say "Where There is a WILL, There is a Way." A final marker that is being shared with others. This is not just for me. It is for others to include in their story, whatever that may be. The meaning has become clear.
Because of a Will, I went from a broken mess to a man.
Because of a Will, I went from a man to a father.
Because of a Will, I went from a father to a man after God's heart and because of a Will, I want to pay this love forward.
Thank you William for your influence on me and the amazing lessons you continue to teach me and others. You are an amazing boy.
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