Faith of a Father

About two years ago, I was struggling with the separation from my son due to the divorce I was going through. I had promised myself that I would be the father who would not let his son feel abandoned and I was doing everything I could to man up and fight for his rights. I had just dropped him off at church for his day at Parents Day Out at my church. It was the one thing I knew that was a consistent part of his life and they had already embraced him and my family. I was in tremendous pain and I was sitting with a friend and sharing that moment. I remember Amy looking at me with empathy and not knowing what to do for me. After several moments of listening to my pain she stopped me and asked me if I would close my eyes and try to visualize Jesus in that moment.

I had done this before, so I knew what she was trying to do for me. I did as she suggested and to her I started to cry even harder. I had a clear vision of Jesus in that moment. Amy noticed the change and asked me if He was sitting with me or if He was holding me. For a minute I could not answer and as the tears slowed I told her what I had seen.

I saw the class room where Will was that day. It was so clear to me that I thought I was standing at the door. The children were playing and doing crafts and I saw my son walking from table to table talking and playing with the others. I saw a figure sitting in the corner of the room. This figure was watching the kids play and he had this wonderful smile on his face. When I realized who this was,  the man turned and looking right at me spoke. What he said gives me chills to this day.

In a clear authoritative voice the figure said, "I can love him more than you or his mom can ever love him......Let me have this". He then turned back toward the room and I saw him begin to focus on Will and it felt like he was holding Will as Will played. It was one of the most peaceful moments I had ever experienced.


Genesis 22: 9-18

"When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an alter there and arranged wood on it. He bound his son Issac and laid him on the alter, on top of the wood. then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. but the angel of the Lord called out to him from heaven, "Abraham! Abraham!"

"Here I am," he replied.

"Do not lay a hand on the boy." he said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son."

Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over and took a ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. So Abraham called this place The Lord Will Provide. And to this day it is said, "On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided."

The angel of the Lord called to Abraham from heaven a second time and said, "I swear by myself, declares the Lord, that because you have done this and not withheld your son, your only son, I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the sea shore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me."

I wonder sometimes if God knew the outcome. Did He know that Abraham would choose by faith to listen? Abraham past history with his other son Ishmael tells us differently. He had a son with a servant woman because of doubt and lack of faith right? So why would this command be any different? In God's omniscience I believe God knows the choice we are going to make and it gets confusing to me when we talk about free choice in this context. But I think I understand now. This test was for Abraham. He had to realize the faith he had at this point in his life.

On the day I prayed fervently for my son's healing I remember asking for my ram. The resulting gift was not what I expected. He was healed but not in the way I thought. I offered my son up to God. I asked for the best outcome and God did provide that for me. My son received the ultimate healing. As for my ram, I have been given a peace that is beyond understanding. It has taken me a long time to understand God and His love for me and for others. Today I hurt for the plight of the world and all its brokenness. Today I want to make a difference. That is my ram.

I think it can be expressed best in the words of Wesley.

"God will provide himself a lamb - This was purely the Lord's doing: let it be recorded for the generations to come; that the Lord will see; he will always have his eyes upon his people in their straits, that he may come in with seasonable succour in the critical juncture. And that he will be seen, be seen in the mount, in the greatest perplexities of his people; he will not only manifest but magnify his wisdom, power and goodness in their deliverance. Where God sees and provides, he should be seen and praised. And perhaps it may refer to God manifest in the flesh."

Only God could have brought me this far in my walk. Only God could give me the comfort that I have. Only God can give me the motivation to reach out to others and find sustenance in doing so.

People everyday tell me that they are amazed at my faith and I am surprised when I hear that. I have been anything but faithful in my walk. God apparently knows otherwise and it took an act of faith to show me.

So I offered my son up to God out of love and an understanding that this was God loving him better than I could. God, in his love for me, is offering me comfort and peace that is beyond the humanly realm of understanding. Because of what I believe about myself I have a motivation that I have never had before. These are all gifts given out of grace.

Fab Holley, another friend of mine, pointed out that Jesus knew the impact that Peter would have on the church even after Peter had denied Jesus at the trial and Crucifixion. Jesus knew that Peter was to become a pillar in the church.

In spite of my denial of Jesus along the way and my disbelief in what he was doing in my life, I have the blessing of realizing that Jesus has always been working on me and through me. What that means is yet to be seen. I believe,however, that because of my son and my relationship with him and God's Son and my relationship with Him today, I have a mighty work in store for me in the Kingdom.

Living Victoriously

This has been an exciting week. The little reminders of just how big our God is keep popping up and I continue to stand in awe at what He is accomplishing in the lives and ministries that are being touched. It started with a blog from a friend about the Celebrate Life service and the sermon by Pastor Reed.  It has continued with God leading me into situation after situation, where I can serve as a vessel to others. It has been affirmed and reaffirmed in the stories that I am hearing, the lives I see changing and the letter I received from Tennessee Donor Services. I am witness to people trusting God.  I am witness to broken marriages being restored. Divorced and divorcing couples are finding resolve to fight for their families. Addictions and Codependents are starting their journey to wellness. People with testimony are waking up to their potential as witnesses. Life giving organs are offering new hope and possibilities in three families. I am so blessed to be a part of this and thank God for his love, grace and peace that He is offering to us through this tragedy.

I was reading through a book by Dr. Joel C. Hunter called "I Don't Do Crazy Anymore"and I came across a quote that I love.

"I'm not going to be afraid of getting sick ever again in my life because I've seen what it can do and what it can't do, and I'm going to live life according to what it can't do; it can't defeat me from doing good in spite of it; it can't stop God's grace from redeeming the destruction."

In the tragic events surrounding the death of my son, I have witnessed what death tried to do. Now I am witnessing what death can not do. I want to live my life with abandon and offer my love to others. I want to announce it to others that I have no fear of defeat even if life tries to break me.

If Will can touch that many lives in only 5 years and do it as a child, I can only imagine what we can do as a body of believers in the next 5 years. Jesus' ministry on earth was shorter than that and look what he did. How many lives has he saved through death?

I Corinthians 15:50-58

What I am saying, brothers and sisters, is this: flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Listen, I will tell you a mystery! We will not all die, but we will be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and will be changed. For this imperishable body must put on imperishability, and this mortal body must put on immortality. When this perishable body puts on imperishability, and this mortal body puts on immortality, then the saying that is written will be fulfilled:
"Death has been swallowed up in victory."
"Where, O death is your victory?
Where, O death is your sting?"
The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Therefore, my beloved, be steadfast, immovable, always excelling in the works of the Lord, because you know that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.

Hey, evil one! Where is your victory? I am identified with Christ and I laugh at your vain attempts to destroy me. By your attempts to break my spirit you have broken the bondage of fear! In your pride you continue to take my woundedness and make me ineffective for the kingdom. All you have done is make my testimony stronger! Thanks to the woundedness of Christ, I can identify with his struggles  and emerge like him, Victorious!!

My son Will lives on and my heart is motivated to share this news. God has two more warriors in the Kingdom that Satan did not count on!

Peace to All

This is the link to the aforementioned blog by Debra Dickerson. Thank you for the insight this week.

http://alienadventurejourney.blogspot.com/2014/05/pushing-5reflections-of-example-of.html?spref=fb

The Presence of the Holy Spirit Part 2

John 14:15-17
If you love me, you will keep my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Advocate (Holy Spirit), to be with you forever. This is the Spirit of  truth whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him not knows Him. You know Him because He abides with you. And He will be in you.

I spoke to a lady this week who lives halfway across the country. She initially reached out to me because we share a common bond. She too has lost a child. She offered me comfort by understanding where I was emotionally and empathized with my feelings. She had heard about Will through the sharing and resharing of  the group page "Prayers for Will Smith" and opened up dialogue with me early on in this walk.

Without divulging too much information about her, I want to share another story about this lady's walk with me. This is another story about the presence of the Holy Spirit moving among us. A story that starts with a tragedy.

One night this week, I received a frantic FaceBook message from a lady who was still suffering from the loss of her daughter several years ago. She was reaching out, questioning what it was that I seemed to have. She was in effect crying out to God to heal her of her pain and anger. As I was trying to explain, or convey my experiences with her, she was uncontrollably typing and laying her pain and suffering out there for me to see. She was "blowing up" my inbox. I could barley keep up with my responses. She was conveying to me her pain. She said that the tears were pouring out so fast her eyes hurt and asking question after question about God and scripture.

As she openly confessed her experience, I was given the opportunity to pray for her online.

She exclaimed:

"OMG the tears are stopping, they are stopping. It is like it's gone. I said it and now it is gone!"

I believe she had received a Holy Spirit indwelling and a healing. It was a powerful moment for her and I had the privilege of witnessing it happen.

Then she said, "My tears are good tears and for once I know I will hold my daughter again."

A beautiful moment for both of us. a moment in time when the Advocate was present in both of our lives. But the story does not end there. You see, I have been struggling this week with something that I have shared with only a handful of close friends.  While I have been openly grieving the physical loss of my son I have been harboring a fear, as a father who loves his child, that was beginning to consume my thoughts. I have been fearful that my son was scared as he fell into the water, was pulled under and washed downstream. I have been consumed with him calling out for help and me not being there to rescue him. I swore I would never abandon him and I have been wrestling with the thought that he felt abandoned and alone. Even though I know I had no control over the situation, I still had those thoughts and that pain had been rising up in me of late.

This lady had no idea that I was suffering with this at that very moment. How could she. She`lives 1000 miles away and I had not shared this with her yet. Then she messaged something. This is the exact quote:

"OK, here goes. I have no idea why this keeps playing in my head, but I think this is for you. The remarkable thing is he never had a moment of fear. For the way of the light leads to good things, for this he was taught by his parents. The lights from the heavens above glistened and danced above the waters."

It was my turn to cry. I shared my fear with her and this was her reply

"And that means because you believed and loved God, you spoke to Will to love God and so he did and trusted God like you and through you and through Will now I will learn about the love of God and can tell others someday too and so maybe someone will also know him too ! That's how WILL'S WORK all started with a dad telling his son about God !"

I am still in tears over this moment.Ttears of gratitude and blessing as God moves before us for all of us.