Dancing in the Storm

I love the Fall. I love the smell of wet leaves and fires, real wood fires, burning in fireplaces. I love the shorter days and the warmth of houses as the lights start coming on around 7. I love the excitement around football season. I even like the horror movie season. I am not a big fan of Pumpkin Spice Latte, those who have been around me know I always drink quad shots of espresso, but I do like the way they smell and the ambiance of those packed into a Starbucks waiting to get their palate satisfied. Fall is and always has been my favorite time of the year.

I usually start reading Lord of the Rings during this time of the year. I have read the series at least 15 times in my life and when I am finished with school, I will continue that tradition. There is something so comforting about starting an adventure with a hobbit as my summer adventure ends. Fall to me is about tradition and recently I have had some pretty big changes in my life. Some good, some pretty bad and yet when this time of the year rolls around something always calls me back to good memories.

I had a conversation with a very dear friend the other night. In fact we were up until 130 talking about the future and what it might hold. There are lots of questions about tomorrow for both of us as it seems we are both starting our lives all over again. That is a little scary sometimes and it reminds us that we have no real control over the future. I think we both realized that we need to take life very slow right now and to keep in mind that we are on a different kind of course than most people. It was a good honest conversation and I began to really think about things as I drove back to Wilmore.

One thing that has really hit me this week is how thankful I am that God has me at Asbury this year. I am really missing Will and this season is going to be especially hard. This time last year was very special as we had the opportunity to spend a lot of time together. Prior to the final divorce decree our time together was very limited. When we finally got the father/son time awarded us, I made it a priority to really focus on him and we had a lot of fun together. There were bonfires and festivals. There were trips to Halloween Express and lots of Scooby Doo movies. We spent the shorter nights reading together and I got to spend Halloween with him. That was his favorite holiday and I still can see his picture in his pink power ranger costume. Never was a fan of that and I bought him a Red Power Ranger costume and he wore it almost continuously. It was a wonderful time and I really got the opportunity to establish my role as his father. I am so very thankful for that time.

This is not Will but it is Will's  costume. His name is Shafy and he is the same age as Will. He loves the Power Rangers as well and this is a reminder that life goes on and the blessings return in unexpected ways.

Asbury is offering me a haven from all those memories of time with Will at home. This is my time to heal and I am sure that God called me here to eliminate that distraction. I kept wondering why the call to come here was so strong, especially since I have so many things I am getting involved in at home. The conversation I noted earlier and my continued thinking about where this ministry is going really hammered me about purpose and direction this week. Again being at Asbury this year is offering a very focused time to spend with God, in a way I can't begin to describe. I am not only getting the chance to develop mentally but also to recover my Spiritual and Physical life components as well. What a blessing to be in a place where God is so present and to be in deep conversation with him.

This week has been another tough week academically and my brain is turning to mush faster and faster as the semester progresses. I have started to take walks when my brain starts to shut down. Today after three hours of reading an ancient writing and trying to decipher the authors understanding of the Incarnation, I decided it was time to take a break. I started along my usual path. Today it felt like fall. I even caught the whiff of a fireplace burning. The sky was overcast. The wind was blowing cold and you could feel the world slowing down. My thoughts went straight to Will but it was comforting and I was really enjoying the walk. About 1/3 of the way on my course it started to rain, light and drizzly. I thought about turning back but I remembered that one of the reasons I was here was to push past all this pain and discouragement and finish what I started. I took this thought on my walk with an attitude of dedication.

When I made it half way, the rain and the wind were picking up and now I had no choice. I was half way home in either direction and I trudged on beginning to feel a little uncomfortable. By the time I could see the campus it was a torrential downpour. The temperature was dropping and the wind was picking up. It hit me that this is indicative of so many things in my life and I started to laugh. God brought me here to spend time with Him and to face challenges I had never faced successfully by myself. I had started out to clear my brain and ended up on a grand adventure with God and it only took a couple of miles. I realized as uncomfortable as I felt at times, this was a wonderful time and I am grateful for this experience.

The rain was apparently so bad that a man in a pickup truck actually offered me a ride. Yes, he was very kind to offer and I can only imagine his thoughts when I looked up and said, "No thank you, I am actually enjoying myself. I could not help but laugh and smile all the way back to my dorm. I was dancing in the rain in my heart and I felt the Holy Spirit settle on my soul as I trudged forward. My body was still uncomfortable but my Spirit was alive.

Everything is going to work out, God has this and I am grateful for His presence in my life. By the time I got back to the dorm I was soaked but the rain had stopped. I took a warm shower and the decided to tell my friends about the experience. All this and I still I still have time to work on that paper and then worship God tonight........I am loving life even if I hurt sometimes.

Rise Up!

It has been a very tough week for me. I am in my third week of Seminary and I suddenly realized how ill-equipped I really am. I have been very efficient staying ahead of all my required work and still I feel like I am falling behind. Concepts are flying into my head and getting lost in the mess. I hear others regurgitating their understanding of topics that I am just beginning to grasp. This is tough because I see myself as pretty smart and yet I have felt hopelessly lost.

It scares me to think that I am in over my head. I began to say to myself, “What the hell have I gotten myself into?” I felt myself begin to withdraw behind my cloud of insecurity. A place that is very dangerous for me, the dark spot in my life that leads to bad decisions and faulty reasoning. This is the point in my past where I would turn and run. This is the spot where I would begin my path to self-destruction. It usually takes longer than three weeks but here I was none the less and I had vowed never go back, so I turned to the only source I knew had the resources to help. I turned to my Lord and Savior. In contemplative prayer I began asking for the endurance to stay focused on my goals and to have my fears eliminated.

That afternoon, I set to task finishing a project that was due the next day. I worked for hours and stayed up late that night to finish it. I wanted to finish it. I wanted it to be an indication of how hard I was working. I wanted it to speak to my new desire and passion. I did it! I finished the project I had set out to do and it was not rushed. I actually put a lot of thought and effort into the reading and the paper. I was rewarded with that sense of accomplishment. But that was not all there was. I have done that kind of before. I had pushed myself and I was proud of the work, but I still had that feeling about hesitation concerning my decision to come to Seminary. This is week three and I have three more years of challenges to come.

Of course this is when God begins to speak. These words began popping into my head…….”Rise Up, Tony……….Rise Up, my Child!!”

Worship on Tuesday flowed easily because I had faced the first challenge. I was thankful that it was behind me and I wanted to pour out my spirit to God. I allowed the Holy Spirit to pour itself into me and I was overwhelmed with peace and joy. But God was not finished.

I looked up and I received a vision. It appeared in the apex of the chapel’s ceiling. It was in black and white but it was very clear. I saw Will standing next to what I think was an altar. He was standing with Jesus and it looked like they had been having a discussion. I could tell by the look in my son’s eyes that he knew a secret that he wanted to share, but he knew he was not supposed to. It looked as if Jesus and Will where conspiring against me and Will was so happy to be a part of this scheme. I sat and basked in that experience and I noticed that Will really wanted to go play. I have seen that look in him before; I am his father after all. I also noticed that he had this new wisdom about him. He looked wise beyond his physical appearance and at first it was disconcerting, but I realized how being in the presence of God might do that to a person.

Later that day I was led to ask a very special person in my life what she thought about the vision. That spiritual “nudge” has a multifaceted purpose, but I’ll stick to this one here. What I got from Missy solidified in my mind what my heart was thinking and could not voice. These were her words:

“His wisdom today is your wisdom as it has grown since he passed away.”

It spoke deeply into my heart and that night I gave thanks for that experience.

The very next morning, I woke early, did my bible study, got ready for class and headed to Ethics. This is one of those classes that have me worried. I know I am a deep thinker but the terminology is so new and the thinking process is not the kind of study I am used to. Anyway, the topic today was a continuation of justice, morality and Holiness. I won’t bore you with the details but I really focused on the experience and things started to click. I was beginning to catch on. I was beginning to understand what all those terms were trying to convey. The professor moved on to a new topic. This new topic was Theodicy. Again, I won’t ask you to get this concept; I am just getting my head around this stuff myself. The subject included but is not limited to pain and suffering. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

I am not suffering from the death of my son! I feel the pain of loss, sometimes daily, but I have been graciously spared the pain of suffering. The blessing and gift that God has bestowed on me in the hospital is continuing for me today. Why me? Why am I blessed when so many others are dying inside? I deserve to hurt because of what I have done in the past. I deserve to die inside because of the evil I have taken part in, right? Why me?

Then it dawned on me. I am covered by Grace because I accept the fact that Jesus took that suffering with Him to the cross. I am free! I have been transformed by my desire to know Christ deeper and I am being set apart from the world and its understanding of death and suffering. For those who know me, you know how strange this sounds coming from my lips. I am facing my doubts and my fears, but I am doing that for the salvation of others. I want to learn how to share this experience with others who are suffering and I want others to experience this unexplainable peace I have been given. I want to share this news with a broken and dying world. I am experiencing this walk to show what God wants all of us to understand and I am so blessed to be that vessel.

Again in chapel I saw Will. This time the image was in color and Will was dancing. Jesus was no longer standing next to him. His dad had figured out the secret and Will was celebrating.

Seriously, I can’t make this stuff up.

Unqualified

Robert Stamps, an Asbury icon, spoke of the prayers that had been lifted for the Seminary class of 2014. He spoke of the prayers that had started before the candidate selection had begun and of the prayers lifted as our names were added to the list. He reminded us of the prayers at the cross in Estes Chapel, where the community and staff laid hands on the new students, welcoming us into the Asbury family. It was a wonderful reminder that we are part of something bigger than ourselves and I really embraced that feeling of belongingness.

He continued by saying, “Not only do I want you to remember those prayers, but I want you pray now for those who have been praying for you, even before you were called to come to Seminary. I want us to pray for those who were instrumental in you getting here, some who are no longer with us.”

I have so many people who have offered encouragement to me over the years.

I have so many who have walked beside me and prayed for me.

I have family who were in the ministry, who are no longer living, that would be overjoyed at my decision and I bet they are praying for me even in their sleep.  

I am so thankful for each and every one of them. I cannot begin to express how powerful all those prayers are, as they begin to take fruit in my life at this very moment.

But, I have to tell you, the first image that came to mind for me was Will. It suddenly dawned fully on me. Will is playing a huge role on this walk. I, with almost complete certainty, know that Will is praying for me now and is very proud of his daddy.

That brought up memories of Will coming to Asbury with me as I visited the campus. It was one of our great journeys together. We have been on several escapades together and it was my favorite things to do. We would pile in the car and take off together. Sometimes we would go to the park. Sometimes we would go to a friend’s house. Sometimes, it was the mountains. Every time was new and exciting to him and it warmed my heart to see him look in amazement at the scenery. 

I shared that with Dr. Stamps and I saw his eyes open with wonder and compassion. He said to me, “Then you are dedicating this ministry to your son’s memory? What a wonderful story you have!”

Yes Will’s story will continue. As time goes on, what is that going to look like? I wonder where all this is going and how big of an impact his life will have on others. I see his story pop up in places like Haiti and Nicaragua. I see his arm bands in church and on the wrist of friends. I hear about his story starting conversations between people on Facebook and in the drive-through window of Walgreen’s. It resonates in people’s hearts and is changing lives.

I reflect on the impact he has had on my life and the effect he is having on me in this place. Will, even in his death, is holding me up, encouraging me, and is motivating me to follow this path. That in itself speaks of the essence of ministry.

We, as new students, spent the better part of two days in conference, worship and devotion, exploring the exciting future we had in front of us. We are beginning a ministry, or we are continuing on in a ministry already established. Some of us are well versed in the path we have chosen. Some of us have a general idea, but are unsure of the exact path. Some of us, like me, have no idea whatsoever what our final outcome is going to look like. Just knowing that I am supposed to be here is exciting and I have cried many a tear in the realization that I am in Seminary. I AM IN SEMINARY! Who would have thought that?

All I can say for certain is that I was superposed to be sitting in that chair and preparing to immerse myself into academic rigor and sink myself into deep Spiritual formation. Beyond that, who knows?

 I do not know and it may not be revealed for several years but I am OK with that. I am on a grand adventure called life and I love it.

These last two days of orientation have been full of wonderful worship experiences. I know the hardships of academic work are coming, but the community worship here has a component of restoration that fills the soul to overflowing. The last ceremony during orientation was one of the most powerful worship services I have ever experienced. I felt the Holy Spirit move around the room and when it settled in my heart, I felt a level of joy that I could not inwardly contain. My entire body tingled, my eyes leaked tears of joy and I felt an outpouring of warmth that I know was contagious. I felt the power ebb and flow between each one of us and when I looked into the eyes of others in the room, I could see a shared awareness of the experience. I am still in awe of the memory, because the entire time we were in that room I felt that humming power and it did not abate until we left for our rooms at the end of the day.

The devotional topic read during that service came from Mark, Chapter 1: 14-18:

After John was put in prison, Jesus went into Galilee, proclaiming the good news of God. “The time has come,’ he said, “The Kingdom of God is near. Repent and believe the good news!”

As Jesus walked beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw Simon and his brother Andrew casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. “Come follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will make you fishers of men.” At once they left their nets and followed him.

There was nothing about where they were going. There was nothing about having an income. There was nothing about leaving their families or having a place to stay. All they heard was “follow me” and all they did was drop their nets and follow. They were not skilled orators. They were not skilled writers. They were not Rabbis or great leaders. They were simply fishermen and they dropped everything and clung to Jesus. They were unqualified but they followed, their lives transformed and they changed the world.

I sat -and contemplated this in my life. I saw a big connection with me being at Asbury, but I was not really leaving anything behind. I did follow his call to come here. I will be facing challenges with nothing but Jesus to cling to. I don’t know where this is going or where I will be in a year and that is OK. So why was this chapel experience so powerful for me?

Then, as we prepared for Eucharist, it dawned on me. Sharing the body and blood of Jesus Christ with those around me and those saints that have gone before me, reminded me of the importance of this sacrament. I was sharing this cup with my son and I was sharing this adventure with him.

And my son was leading the way!

Will had already made the choice to follow Jesus into the unknown. Will is serving as the example for me. Will boldly followed Jesus to the grave and has been resurrected in my heart as a beautiful memory. It is a memory of love that I want to share with the world.

Jesus called to Will and pulled him out of the darkness. Will, just 4 years old, as unqualified as you can be, trusted blindly that Jesus would take care of him wherever he went. Now, Will is a fisher of men. His legacy will live through me in that capacity and I am proud to carry that with me.

Will followed Christ to the grave and I am following my son. Now we are both on a grand adventure with our Lord and Savior leading the way!!

Ebenezer: The Markers of a Journey with God

I sat in Church this morning listening to Jim Lewis talk about the stories of our lives and the impact that they can have in the lives of another. It is something I find to be true and as I have lived my own personal walk, I am beginning to see how important my story is. The stories we live and the memories of our past weave themselves into the fabric of life and sometimes we share a common thread. It is the same process that happens every day in an AA or NA meeting. It is the same process that happens over coffee at a local Starbucks. It happens at work, at church, at family gatherings and anywhere people interact on a personal level. It is what defines us as human and and it is what creates that interaction that helps us belong to something greater. If we let it happen, we can find those connections that we all crave.

The last several years have been an incredible journey for me. I do not know exactly what God has planned and I am not sure that I really care. All I know is that I am walking on the path that God has laid out for me and I have never in my 47 years of life felt this alive. I have experienced the horror of loosing a child and yet I find myself closer to him than I could have possibly understood before the accident. I have grown closer to God and I am closer to my son now because he rest in God's presence. I contemplate how that can be true and I can only gaze at the wonder of it all. I realize that I have accepted the love that God is offering and after tasting of that "well spring" I do not want to turn back.

The song "Come Thou Font of Every Blessing" is a song that Jim pointed to in the service. He read the following verse to us and then went on to explain it and in that explanation, all the little life moments began to add up into what is becoming a powerful testimony.


"Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by Thy help I've come"

I know this song but I have always overlooked the word Ebenezer. To me it was a reminder of the name that Charles Dickens used in "A Christmas Carol" for Scrooge. I just sang the words in church and never asked what it meant because no one else seemed concerned with its use or the meaning.  During the service, Jim offered its meaning and after hearing what it means and looking it up my self, I realize that even in Charles Dickens story that word has special meaning.

The word basically means "commemoration of divine assistance". I found a good example of the word used in Scripture, in I Samuel 7: 12-13.

"Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Jeshanah, and named it Ebenezer; for he said, 'Thus far the Lord has helped us.' So the Philistines were subdued and did not again enter the territory of Israel; for the hand of the Lord was against the Philistines all the days of Samuel"

Jim Lewis, in his message, was referring to the monuments, or markers, in our lives with God that make us who we are moment by moment. Those instants where God breaks through and is clearly acting to shape our lives so that we can accomplish what He has set out to do through us. As I sat there listening I felt around my neck and realized I had a chain that represented my ebeneezer. 

Each item represented here is a marker that points to a stage of growth in my life and tells my story of struggle, tragedy, victory and hope. Each item is symbolic of my walk with God and unknowingly each piece represents the accumulation of individual events that has me where I am today. This is my ebeneezer because it paints a picture of God's action in my life and serves as a reminder of those events.

I am going to tell my story by following the markers in my life. I am going to continue to share my life and my son with you. I pray it offers some hope and points to the reminder that life can be beautiful again, even after tragedy. 

These dog tags I bought at an Army/Navy surplus store. Will and I stopped in one day and he loved exploring all the cool stuff. He wandered around and I had a time keeping him from running off with a gas mask. I thought it was pretty awesome myself, but I had promised him I would get these tags as a reminder of our connection. Each tag has our name on it and I told him it represented my dedication to him as a father. I wanted to always carry him next to my heart and this was a way that he would always be near me. He seemed to understand and it looked like he puffed up when I said that having him as my son was the best gift I had ever received. I was proud to be his daddy and to me that had become the most important title a man could carry in this life. William was a miracle and I fully understand the gift that he was to the world. He will always hold that place in my heart and even in death, he will always be my "little man" These tags remind me that I cherished every moment I spent with him.

I sat in the lawyer's presence and heard him say say to me. "This may be the best offer of custody that we will get. Most men would accept this and move on with their lives." I had to pause because I knew I would have to fight and to leave the life of a child in the hands of the court leaves all sorts of room for error. I struggled with the decision. Should I trust the woman I had trusted for so many years? Should I trust the mother of Will to eventually give me more time with my son? Was she going to accept my role in his life after the divorce and be fair with sharing his life with me? Something deep inside told me not to trust her but to trust what God was telling me in that moment. I was torn, but that still soft voice spoke up and broke through all the confusion. I was not most men! I was Will's father and I had already decided that he deserved me at my best and I was to fight for the voice he did have. I had made the decision to "MAN-UP" for my son's sake. I had already started to make decisions that would impact Will in a positive manner and I knew that it was up to me to stand my ground for his sake. I decided to trust God in that moment and I refused the offer.

The cross stamped in the coin is a reminder of that decision. It points to the cross and the fact that Jesus was a MAN UP on that cross. He led the way for me and I was going to lead my son on that same path. The walk was difficult, I had to sacrifice myself in the process and face my addictions, but in the end I was victorious and I was rewarded by the court system. This coin is a symbol of victory over my life and the impact it had on my son. About a week after the final decision was made, I took Will on a trip to Fall Creek Falls. It was a father and son outing and he had so much fun. On the way home I was listening to Casting Crowns on CD. The song "Courageous"  came on and as I sung the song I heard Will in the backseat ask a question. I turned down the radio and asked to repeat himself. "Daddy," he said, "Am I going to grow up and be courageous like you?" "Yeah," I thought, "God was already working in him." I told him that he was going to be a great man of courage. He smiled, very satisfied.

Before the accident I received this blessing ring from a friend that spoke of New Beginnings. To me at the time it was indicative of my new life with Will and the hope of a better future for both of us. Life would get better again and I would make the best of things with my son. I spent every moment I could with him. I have so many wonderful stories to share that I could write a book and eventually I will. At that moment life was improving. I started making plans that would include my life as a single father. I was going to enjoy all the wonderful moments that a father should share with his son. I was anticipating sporting events, vacations to Disney, studying math and watching him graduate high school. That was not meant to be and he has now joined the ranks of "forever young". It was devastating to so many who knew him.

In the hospital I began to hear all the stories about Will that I had never heard. He had touched so many people that I began to realize just how special he was. I am proud of the boy he became and will always carry that part of him with me. This symbol of new beginning has taken on another meaning. It now represents my new beginning in life. The one without my son in the physical. I was given a gift and I have the responsibility to share that gift with others. That gift is the powerful message William Smith represents. It is the unconditional love of God for others and the amazing story of transformation of my life. 

This past two weeks has turned out to be the best two weeks in my life. My focus for ministry has started taking shape. I was accepted at Asbury Seminary and am pursuing a Masters Degree in Divinity. I have recently been reunited with a very special person from my past and her story is just as wonderfully tragic as mine. It is a different story and I think she may have faced a worse situation, but she is turning out to be an inspiration as well. One day that story will be told and I bet it will encourage you like it has me. 

 I got to share Will's story in a remote area in Haiti and my cousin from Dallas shared this story in Nicaragua. Now Will's story of tragedy, healing and hope is spreading around the world and I get to be a part of that. 

I get the honor of being with my son everywhere I go and I feel closer to him sometimes than I did when he was still breathing. He is very much alive in the hearts of so many and will continue to be so. That has become my job as his father. I am still preparing him for service and I have taken that to heart.

The bands on these arms are arm bands that say "Where There is a WILL, There is a Way." A final marker that is being shared with others. This is not just for me. It is for others to include in their story, whatever that may be. The meaning has become clear.

Because of a Will, I went from a broken mess to a man.
Because of a Will, I went from a man to a father.
Because of a Will, I went from a father to a man after God's heart and because of a Will, I want to pay this love forward.

Thank you William for your influence on me and the amazing lessons you continue to teach me and others. You are an amazing boy.

Divergent Paths

Last week I took a walk at the Chattanooga River Park. Depending on the kind of activity, I will go to various locations to hike. Today I was in the mood for exercise and the Riverfront is the closet location that I frequent. 

I started walking at a brisk pace to stimulate blood flow and was not really focusing on anything other than how fast I was walking. I was really unaware of anything that was going on around me.

I wanted to work up a good sweat, stimulate a good energy flow, and work out some toxins that had built in my blood stream. That was my goal and that was the way the day started out.

Everything changed about ¾ of a mile into my walk. I suddenly had this urge to turn left and walk off into the field. What prompted me to do this was beyond me and in the moment I was unsure of the reason. It did not take me long to make the decision because I figured there was some purpose and I followed my heart. I turned left and trudged off through the grass. As I circumnavigated the field, I became aware of the hot sun. I was no longer in the shade, and I began to feel and absorb the energy the heat offered. I begin to sweat and since this was one of my goals, I was at the very least still on task with my plan. I saw some side trails that looked promising but they quickly led to dead ends in the woods. I came across a large stagnate pond that few people would know about. I saw a myriad sample of insects and critters, which at the moment were not altogether interesting. I was beginning to find myself uncertain of the purpose behind the nudge. I began to wonder if this was a lesson in learning when my discernment is correct. If that were true, I was still out for the exercise and I had committed to this adventure. So I boldly trudged ahead.

I came across some train tracks in a wooded area and knowing they went in the general direction that I wanted to go, I followed. Still nothing big on the horizon.

I love trains and as I walked I began to anticipate a train coming and I would be offered the opportunity to feel the rumble of a powerful locomotive and feel the breeze as it passed. That did not happen. I was still content with the exercise but the unfulfilled expectation led to a brief moment of disappointment. I had to gather my thoughts and continue on. The path was really no different than the one I had begun to follow anyway. It was going to take longer to get where I was going but I was out for the exercise.

I kept thinking I was on a mild adventure, different than what I expected and I kept looking for the answer to my riddle. What did all this mean and was it going to have any meaning in my life? Every time I came up with an answer I was disappointed.  So I stopped thinking about the purpose of the divergent nudge and went back to my exercise, of which I was getting a heavy dose.

It was then that I stumbled upon a switch box on the track. Suddenly I began to realize that yes God did divert me here for a reason. Still had no answer, but now I was OK with not knowing. Now I knew I was here for a reason.  With renewed excitement I trudged forward. Now I was deeply curious. I did not really care what the outcome was going to be because I knew God had a plan. I was excited about finding out, and I had no reason to figure it all out.

As I rounded the bend I saw the cross point where the train track crossed the Riverpark sidewalk. I had reached the proverbial end of the line. I saw a fence, blocking any further progress along the track. Beyond the fence there were lines of tanker cars waiting to load their products from a chemical plant. There were warning signs posted and the area looked very foreboding. I knew better than to cross the fence so I turned on to the path I had started on and continued on my walk. I smiled as I realized that I had learned my own lesson.

I thought seriously about leaving the reader to decipher the lesson themselves. It was what Jesus did with some of the parables. But that did not go over so well and I am not Jesus. In this light, I will share part of this lesson. Some may see it but I will let you in on my lesson. Who knows, there might be a different moral in it for you.

The desire to follow the nudge seemed clear to me. There was a time I would have not understood that push as a nudge. In faith and curiosity I began a journey into the unknown. I started to have doubts that I really had had a Spiritual push and started to become disappointed in where I was headed. I decided that no matter what happened I was still following my original plan until God stepped in and encouraged me to see that it was going to be bigger than I had expected.

The switch box was small and it required very little energy. There was only 3 inches of play in the tracks and this was enough to turn a multi-ton freight train in a different direction. Over the course of my life and with all the bad decisions, I realized that God required very little energy to direct me in another direction. I was he one resistant to Him. I was the multi-ton locomotive. God’s nudges had always been very subtle pushes. Today, I am more receptive to it and more willing to follow the path He wants me to follow.

Because I am more receptive I am allowed a glimpse of the incredible life He has for me. I am more curious and have a greater passion for what he is calling me to do. I no longer want all the answers. I just want to be on the walk.

Even on a path chosen for us there is danger we can face. We are sometimes led off course by distractions that look very tempting. When I arrived at the cross road. There was a barrier that prevented me from going any further into that danger. I had the choice to climb the fence and ignore the warning signs and in the past I would have driven to the spot because I knew there was danger to be found. Today, I realized I was on a different path and I wanted to stay on it.  So I walked safely into adventure with God as my companion and I received a wonderful blessing. 

Relational Living

“Keeping company with Jesus we become insiders to the creation. It is not something ‘out there’ that we can adopt or ignore as we will. We can’t walk away from creation in order to attend to the Spiritual life. We are embedded in the creation; we are integral to the creation.”

Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places – Eugene H. Patterson

One of the hardest things to express in words is the ability to verbalize the importance of relationships in the Christian walk. In my walk through recovery and grief, it has become the most vital aspect of my life. My story and Will’s story takes on meaning only through relationships with other people. This is the power in grief support groups. We are able to share our experiences and it becomes real to us and we can work through the grief process together. The Holy Spirit power is manifested and multiplied in connections with other believers. That is witnessed in the transformation of a lady who joins a church after experiencing the change in her own heart and grows beyond her circumstances.

Almost all of my growth has been through the interactions with other people. Prayer life also plays a big part, but again, that is a relational discussion with God. In this walk I have become acutely aware of the power of the Body and without the world wide outreach during Will’s crises and the support of my church, I would not be where I am emotionally today. That love was present before the accident. It is one of the reasons that Will was who he became. It was the relationship to the Body that carried us through this trying time.

This became evident to me as I traveled to Haiti and shared Will’s story and shared my life. I got to extend the love of my church Body to a little boy that had very limited experience with the love of Jesus. Because my church and community loves and has a relationship with the Haiti Mission Team, we got to travel and extend that love to others. Because the Mission Team loves the people of Haiti we followed our calling and entered into relationships with the Haitians. All this love begins with God and is witnessed in His Son Jesus Christ.

John 1:10-17

He was in the world, and the world came into being through Him, yet the world did not know Him. He came to what was His own, and His own people did not accept Him. But to all who received Him, who believed in His name, he gave power to become children of God, who were born not of blood or of the will of the flesh or of the will of man, but of God.

And the Word became flesh and lived among us, and we have seen His Glory, the Glory of a father’s only son, full of grace and truth.”

This past Saturday, I spent time with my friends in the homeless community, some of the most disenfranchised people in the United States. I have grown to love the relationships I am building with this community. They pray for me and receive my prayer with gratitude. Yes, there are homeless Christians. In fact some are well versed in Scripture. This relationship and the fact that they are a Spiritual people reminds me just how broken the world is. Because of the lack of understanding, people tend to see their condition as something to avoid. Yet I have found that they can be some of the most beautiful souls to interact with. There is a couple that we visit that always puts a smile on my face. They may not always make the best decisions, I don’t either, but they are always open and extend a love to us that borders on hospitality. And yet they live in a tent. Who knows what impact we will have with them? Who knows what our relationship with them will do? That is up to God and His grace, but I know what that relationship has done for me. I have learned just how broken I am. There is no condemnation extended from this couple yet I begin to understand the concept of sin in my life and the international need for God’s grace. Getting outside of ourselves and sharing life openly with others reminds us of our own condition and thus opens our empathic ability to relate to others and allows us all to experience the healing and Grace offered by our Lord Jesus Christ.

“Go therefore and make disciples of all nations.”

You may never know what experiences you will encounter and what you will learn.

Haiti: A Mission of the Heart Day 2

I have been on several mission trips and each one posed its own kind of challenge. Some of them were physically taxing, like laying a 10,000 sq. foot concrete floor in a church in Costa Rica. Some were emotionally taxing, like painting the homes in an orphanage in Heredia. They all are Spiritually taxing and this trip was especially so. On Monday, we started a new adventure that took me to a whole new level of  "living outside the box". It was a beautiful trip, yet there were experiences that I did not expect.

The team broke into two groups. A group of ten stayed in town and visited the Children of Promise (COP) house and played with the children. They were anticipating getting to visit the Freedom House Orphanage to welcome the "restavek" (child slaves) rescued from another part of Haiti on Tuesday and were excited at the opportunity to be the first to greet these children. My group of six was to travel to a region in the mountains called Froi de Pen. It was going to be a three hour drive into the mountains over some of the most treacherous roads I had ever experienced. The road was rocky and at times so narrow that only one vehicle could pass at a time. The drop off was at times 500 to 1000 feet with no guard rails and if another vehicle approached we would have to pull close to the edge offering a beautiful if not nervous view of the valley below.

We drove through a river bed that floods during the rainy season and we passed Haitians walking down the mountain looking for water; all the while, our driver was saying that the land cruiser was on its last leg and sounding like it was struggling. We stopped half way to visit a roadside market and ate lunch.

When we arrived at our destination we saw where we where going to be sleeping. We were welcomed by the house owner and shown into a little room with a table and a pot of coffee that reminded me of Greek Style coffee. It was brewed in a pot with sugar and grounds boiled together then filtered through pantyhose. The joke was "I hope they used a clean pair." It was too sweet but we were grateful for the break and the discussion over a hot cup of Haitian Joe.

We were welcomed with open arms and were given a level of hospitality that Americans rarely show each other.

We spent the rest of the day evangelizing to the village and the surrounding community. Sorry there are no pictures but instead of taking pictures we wanted to focus on the work at hand. We prayed over two ladies, one with a hip/back problem and another with a "crazy son". We faced three witch doctors and we meet several families and invited them to a VBS in a local field. We had some success in getting folks to accept Christ and we met a lot of resistance. One man in particular, who was a known voodoo witch doctor, was visibly under conviction. However, it was pointed out that in order to convert, this man would have to give up his livelihood. You could see the conviction in his eyes but he could not bring himself to make the decision. It was apparent though that we had planted a seed.

The Spiritual battle was palpable. I could feel the conflict with our efforts and I got the impression that we had stirred up some trouble in the Spirit world. I was not fearful, but I was drained. Because of that I was thankful to have the opportunity to go to church that night.

It was a beautiful experience, the music was in direct contrast to the voodoo drums one can hear throughout the night and the singing, though off key, was powerful. The Holy Spirit was present and one could not help but feel moved. I got the privilege of sharing my testimony and I shared the story of the hospital, the support I received from the Body and the miracle of Will and his love. It occurred later how profound that was for me. Will's legacy is now in a remote village in Haiti. Talk about the spread of this little boy's love and I felt like this was the true beginning of his ministry. I again felt energized but it also was an emotionally taxing Holy Spirit moment.

We closed out the night back at the little house. We had to be conscientious as to putting the ladies in the center of the house as we wanted the first line of defense to be the men. So we took thin mats and moldy blankets and squeezed 6 men in a tiny room. If you had to go to the bathroom you ran the risk of stepping on a team mate or falling on top of them if you misstepped.

Oh, I almost forgot the most interesting encounter that day. We received an apparent blessing from the house owner. What I thought was soup with potatoes and carrots was in fact bouillon. It was quite tasty and had this unusual cream taste. I was informed that it was not cream based but we still could not figure out what was the unusual taste was. The clue however was the long stringy tube that resembled an intestine and a small pouch that still had food in it. This was the stomach and the intestines. Later I discovered that one of the team members had discovered a tooth and something chewy he could not identify. The nice lady had cooked the entire goat in the pot with the vegetables. We now knew what the special taste was. It is amazing what you tolerate when you are hungry!