It has been a very tough week for me. I am in my third week
of Seminary and I suddenly realized how ill-equipped I really am. I have been
very efficient staying ahead of all my required work and still I feel like I am
falling behind. Concepts are flying into my head and getting lost in the mess. I
hear others regurgitating their understanding of topics that I am just
beginning to grasp. This is tough because I see myself as pretty smart and yet
I have felt hopelessly lost.
It scares me to think that I am in over my head. I began to
say to myself, “What the hell have I gotten myself into?” I felt myself begin
to withdraw behind my cloud of insecurity. A place that is very dangerous for
me, the dark spot in my life that leads to bad decisions and faulty reasoning.
This is the point in my past where I would turn and run. This is the spot where
I would begin my path to self-destruction. It usually takes longer than three
weeks but here I was none the less and I had vowed never go back, so I turned
to the only source I knew had the resources to help. I turned to my Lord and Savior.
In contemplative prayer I began asking for the endurance to stay focused on my
goals and to have my fears eliminated.
That afternoon, I set to task finishing a project that was
due the next day. I worked for hours and stayed up late that night to finish
it. I wanted to finish it. I wanted it to be an indication of how hard I was
working. I wanted it to speak to my new desire and passion. I did it! I
finished the project I had set out to do and it was not rushed. I actually put
a lot of thought and effort into the reading and the paper. I was rewarded with
that sense of accomplishment. But that was not all there was. I have done that kind
of before. I had pushed myself and I was proud of the work, but I still had
that feeling about hesitation concerning my decision to come to Seminary. This
is week three and I have three more years of challenges to come.
Of course this is when God begins to speak. These words
began popping into my head…….”Rise Up, Tony……….Rise Up, my Child!!”
Worship on Tuesday flowed easily because I had faced the
first challenge. I was thankful that it was behind me and I wanted to pour out
my spirit to God. I allowed the Holy Spirit to pour itself into me and I was
overwhelmed with peace and joy. But God was not finished.
I looked up and I received a vision. It appeared in the apex
of the chapel’s ceiling. It was in black and white but it was very clear. I saw
Will standing next to what I think was an altar. He was standing with Jesus and
it looked like they had been having a discussion. I could tell by the look in
my son’s eyes that he knew a secret that he wanted to share, but he knew he was
not supposed to. It looked as if Jesus and Will where conspiring against me and
Will was so happy to be a part of this scheme. I sat and basked in that
experience and I noticed that Will really wanted to go play. I have seen that look
in him before; I am his father after all. I also noticed that he had this new wisdom
about him. He looked wise beyond his physical appearance and at first it was
disconcerting, but I realized how being in the presence of God might do that to
a person.
Later that day I was led to ask a very special person in my
life what she thought about the vision. That spiritual “nudge” has a multifaceted
purpose, but I’ll stick to this one here. What I got from Missy solidified in
my mind what my heart was thinking and could not voice. These were her words:
“His wisdom today is
your wisdom as it has grown since he passed away.”
It spoke deeply into my heart and that night I gave thanks
for that experience.
The very next morning, I woke early, did my bible study, got
ready for class and headed to Ethics. This is one of those classes that have me
worried. I know I am a deep thinker but the terminology is so new and the
thinking process is not the kind of study I am used to. Anyway, the topic today
was a continuation of justice, morality and Holiness. I won’t bore you with the
details but I really focused on the experience and things started to click. I
was beginning to catch on. I was beginning to understand what all those terms
were trying to convey. The professor moved on to a new topic. This new topic
was Theodicy. Again, I won’t ask you to get this concept; I am just getting my
head around this stuff myself. The subject included but is not limited to pain
and suffering. It hit me like a ton of bricks.
I am not suffering from the death of my son! I feel the pain
of loss, sometimes daily, but I have been graciously spared the pain of
suffering. The blessing and gift that God has bestowed on me in the hospital is
continuing for me today. Why me? Why am I blessed when so many others are dying
inside? I deserve to hurt because of what I have done in the past. I deserve to
die inside because of the evil I have taken part in, right? Why me?
Then it dawned on me. I am covered by Grace because I accept
the fact that Jesus took that suffering with Him to the cross. I am free! I
have been transformed by my desire to know Christ deeper and I am being set
apart from the world and its understanding of death and suffering. For those who
know me, you know how strange this sounds coming from my lips. I am facing my
doubts and my fears, but I am doing that for the salvation of others. I want to
learn how to share this experience with others who are suffering and I want
others to experience this unexplainable peace I have been given. I want to
share this news with a broken and dying world. I am experiencing this walk to
show what God wants all of us to understand and I am so blessed to be that
vessel.
Again in chapel I saw Will. This time the image was in color
and Will was dancing. Jesus was no longer standing next to him. His dad had
figured out the secret and Will was celebrating.
Seriously, I can’t make this stuff up.
